The start of a story is always a difficult task to write.
To me starting any project is difficult, with self-doubt and perfectionism tunneling my creative vision. It’s not as if I don’t have ideas or ambitions to do so, I have plenty of that, through passion projects lined to the brim in a sketchbook fittingly titled “Bear’s Dream Catcher”.
In it, an idea of creating a documentary that encapsulates my struggle with burnout and procrastination came about. At first, I stowed it away after a spark of inspiration (as always) thinking “It won’t be as perfect to my vision,” shooting the idea down before it could run. Much like the “yes, but” mindset I was only recently introduced to, where you are open to new ideas but never act or consider the possibility. In my case, my own self-doubt and overtly cynical view that's played off as being realistic, acted as my barrier to start and would continue to hinder the success of my projects, and the next one, and the next one, and so on.
On the other hand, when my ideas do take flight despite the beginning worries. There is a window of time where passion and creativity can flourish.
When coming face to face with the IMPACT project in the second semester, I was determined on creating a collection of costume pieces and present them in a gallery. As all my projects do this one, in particular, went through massive changes, to the point of it not being anything at all related to costumes. Instead, the project was turned into the burnout documentary, hoping to perhaps use this opportunity to execute something I wouldn't have been able too had this not been a school project.
And so, the journey starts here…
To start I feel this excerpt from my script is telling of my experience through burnout.
I could try and create something that briefly outlines what my experience was but it’d never be perfect. And… I don’t want it to be a compromise to myself. I want to regain and learn from what I’ve lost, essentially, that time. The time I wasted wondering when am I going to get back up? I end up doing the same thing. And it would be just easier if I were just to give up. Because then, there’s nothing to work towards. There is only the acceptance that I’m okay with the bare minimum. But that kills me, as it should. I’d like to think I’m a workaholic, but I’m not. I give myself too many passes, and when I do work, I justify it to the point it hurts. And it’s exhausting. I don’t recognize it until it’s too late. I do it over and over and over again. Until things don’t line up like they usually would. And sometimes there’s something you cannot complete 24 hours before the deadline or juggle an extended amount of things for a certain amount of time. I just want to let people know it’s okay. It’s okay if you don’t want to get up in the morning. It’s okay to feel that way. People say that they understand. When you explain to them that things are hard. Because what else are they going to say? And it’s not the teacher, or your family’s fault, because, in the end, it’s you. At the end of the day, what’s the hardest of it all, it’s you who has to pull yourself out. But it’s hard finding that strength, because if you don’t believe in yourself to do minuscule tasks to take care of yourself, tasks given months prior, you see yourself differently. Your capabilities, what you’re able to do. You feel like it isn’t worth it anymore. People start to compromise with you because they know you’re struggling. When teachers start lightening to load off me, introducing new ways to help me. It felt bad. I know they wanted me to get things done, but it was too much. Pulling me aside from things, made me feel worse than others. Having to be placed on a different scale with other people is degrading. Whether they meant it or not. And again it’s you. You cannot blame others, you cannot blame the situation. And your brain thinks it’s you. You’re the problem. So you spend a couple of weeks wallowing in your shame, feeling like if I don’t do it, then it doesn’t matter right? If I don’t care, no one else will care, because people will make it easier and dumber for you to succeed. What’s the point if the goals become simpler when you wait?
It’s not satisfying.
But if you reach for something higher and fail, it’s harder. Burnout is complicated, less of a period of time, and more of a consequence of having to battle with pre-existing conditions and set in an environment that causes those. Those who suffer from depression, anxiety, from other M.I. are susceptible to periods of extended exhaustion and despair. Essentially. But, people who don’t experience things at all can experience burnout. Perhaps we have all experienced a form of our own B.O. But we know we cannot help others when they’re struggling, and it’s isolating.
This piece was written on what was support to be my script. However I was having such a difficult time writing it out, yet was able to capture raw essence in a ramble I recorded on my phone.
Life is strange in how it presences our own personal challenges. For me burnout was only the surface to an underlying problem.
The fear of failure.
My fear of disappointing those around me was so rooted, it was difficult for me to understand how I was able to balance musical leading roles, near straight A’s and independent projects, and Art all throughout high school. Then in senior year, I had barely made a dent in the legacy I’d planned to leave.
The feeling of familiar sorrows and failure were ingrained to me as a child and now I see that it tasks control of my creativity, as the perceptions of people guide my actions. A lesson on reframing once allowed me to take these feelings and give me a perspective I didn’t have before.
I didn’t realize that my fear had forced me into burnout and that when I just did things I wanted. With no fruition of the outside world, it was liberating. Thus the recording allowed me to feel heard.
Of course, Covid-19 was a universal ‘F**k you’ to anyone wanting to be productive. But it didn’t stop me from dreaming to be extraordinary. Finally, through my learning in storytelling, I knew I had a gift. (As egotistic as it sounds, I must allow myself to be proud of the skills I have)
With this, I am glad that regardless of I ended up not finishing my documentary. I can still use my gift to tell you my story.
Even if it is not perfect.